3 Things No One Tells You About Life

1. Money may not buy happiness, but it sure buys everything else. Remember when you were a little kid and money was this wonderful thing that you got when you did chores or when it fell out of your birthday card? Having $5 was like being a freakin millionaire or something. Well here's the cold hard truth. $5 barely buys you a tank of gas; and if you're gluten-free, $5 buys you one loaf of bread. And money is no longer a thing of joy, now it's this dark presence that is constantly hovering over you, no matter where you are or what you are doing. You will never feel secure in how much you have. It's hard to not be the person in 1 Timothy 6:10. (Yeah you have to look it up yourself. Don't be lazy.)

2. People suck. And you have to deal with them on a daily basis. I mean, every minute. People who don't use their blinkers, people who STILL don't take breath sounds in class, people who are incapable of taking a shower 10 minutes later than normal. Here is my advice to you on dealing with these sorts of people. First, try not to. Avoid direct confrontation at all costs. If direct contact is unavoidable, smile and nod and think about A.) Being on a beach with a stiff drink or B.) Punching their lights out. I can usually survive if I heed those principles. And then later I rant on and on to you guys or eat copious amounts of junk food. Ah well whatever it takes to not get arrested I suppose. I mean seriously, can you at least acknowledge the fact that my car could flatten you if I had not seen you?? It's called being a decent human being, people. 

3. Never underestimate the power of a private dance. And no, I am not talking about a lap dance; I know that's what both of you thought of immediately. Get your minds out of the gutter. But seriously, next time life is not going your way, do this: Find a room with a lock. Strip down to your underwear.(Wow this does sound like one of THOSE private dances. Hang in there.) Put your earphones in and pick your very favorite song ever. Turn it up as loud as you can bear. Turn off the lights. And dance your little heart out. And I mean dance! Jump on the bed, thrust your hips, do the Charlie Brown for Pete's sake. Try to block out all thoughts of anything else and drown yourself in the music. It's pretty great. Let me know when you try this and it changes your life. 

Well. That's about it. Those are the three things I wish I had been told before I was tossed out into the rubbish heap that is our world today. Also that Fruit Gushers are like manna from above. Sacré Bleú!!!!

 

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